I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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