I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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