Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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