My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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