I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
