Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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