booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
