i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
