You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
