now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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