Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
