someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
