she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
