did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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