i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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