I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
