I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize