So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
