Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
