it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
