I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
