i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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