Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
