and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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