For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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