i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Just cropdusted the office
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
