The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
