it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
