I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
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Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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