I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
