The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
