I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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