Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
