So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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