6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
