Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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