the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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