Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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