I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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