apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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