smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
