question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
