Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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