Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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