So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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