Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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