you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
