I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
