And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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