I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
