Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
