made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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