I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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