so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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