I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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