for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
