even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
