please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
