i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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