Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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