Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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